One man has never been so wrong.

Well hello chumbly bums! Now, here's our latest podcast. You COULD listen to it - or you could just click on this link here: http://www.roottheband.com.au/

Hooray!

Traveller's Lament

Just a snippet of gold whilst we 'prepare' for our next audio podcast.
Enjoy!

S.A.M. says:
yoga was great!
E.O.M. says:
oh im glad to hear!
E.O.M. says:
i was gonna ask how that went
E.O.M. says:
got sidetracked
S.A.M. says:
yeh didnt feel like u do when push self ridonkulus hard
S.A.M. says:
in gym
S.A.M. says:
woke up with energy
S.A.M. says:
even tho we slept in
S.A.M. says:
haha
E.O.M. says:
yeh you has better sleep when physically exerted
E.O.M. says:
i concede that.. when i feel drained, its coz ive been a sloth
S.A.M. says:
yep!
S.A.M. says:
so i feel better
S.A.M. says:
for now
E.O.M. says:
theres this stupid horrible thing called 'upkeep' which i just cant get behind, man..
S.A.M. says:
upkeep?
S.A.M. says:
of ones self?
E.O.M. says:
yeh, as in you have to keep doing it
S.A.M. says:
yes. everything that lives
S.A.M. says:
requires constant maintanence
E.O.M. says:
yeh.. i mean personal hygeine's enough of an annoyance
E.O.M. says:
its like UHGH.. i stink AGAIN?!? my teeth are furry AGAIN!??!
E.O.M. says:
oh!
E.O.M. says:
you know when you notice this the most??? No-one tells you this about flying.
E.O.M. says:
On a trip from Sydney to somewhere in Europe.. You're well groomed, and more or less awake the whole journey unless you're rich.
E.O.M. says:
And you actually notice the degradation of your own constitution as the journey progresses.
E.O.M. says:
Its bizarre.
S.A.M. says:
hahahaha
S.A.M. says:
really
S.A.M. says:
i dont think i did
S.A.M. says:
what u mean?
E.O.M. says:
well you've showered, brushed teeth/hair.. set out for airport and boarded plane right?
E.O.M. says:
feelin pretty good about self.. coz is going on holiday
E.O.M. says:
fast forward the better part of 20 hours later.
E.O.M. says:
you've had 2 meals, a couple token snacks.. and as much booze as you can handle before your body goes WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME!?!?!!
E.O.M. says:
Then you're in Changi airport, Singapore. Hair all over the place, unshaven, greasy, and it feels like your teeth are about to fall out of head.
E.O.M. says:
You stumble to bathroom muttering "tooothbrusshhh... must.. brush.. teeetthh..."
E.O.M. says:
And thats just from sitting down in an airconditioned room, essentially just eating crap and watching TV.
E.O.M. says:
amazing.
S.A.M. says:
HAhahahahhaha
S.A.M. says:
WOW
S.A.M. says:
i think i had too many sedatives
S.A.M. says:
i really dont remember caring
S.A.M. says:
sure, u feel gross
S.A.M. says:
but yeh i was pretty heavily drugged

Kitty, kitty, kittttttaaaaaaaay!!

So, just when you think it's an uneventful ordinary weekday evening, your cat starts to scream. Loudly. As if it's throat is being cut slowly. At first I thought it was a naturally occurring element of Network Ten programming. But no, my housemate boomed up the stairs "you guys better come down and see this..."

Out the front of the house was my wussy, gigantic six year old ginger and white puffball feline, Jack. He was crouched, hair up the wrong way doing that long, horrible drawn out growl that a kitty does when they see something they just don't like. In front of him was a completely unperturbed, plucky kitten with exactly the same fur colouring, and a very girly pearly blue bejewelled collar.

Being cat people, we attempted to capture the tiny kitty and return it to the presumably small girl it had released itself from. After a good 20 minutes, and a Gladiator-esque chase fight between kitten and our other, slightly less wussy cat Jynxy, the frustration had set in. We had less of an idea who the sassy young cat could belong to than when we started, and it didn't help the engraved contact details on its neck tag were in Arial Narrow, size 4 font. It's name could have been Lorena or Lotina. I think it started with an 'L' and ended with and 'A'. But I still cannot be sure. I touched it's back in an attempt to capture it and I got an Exorcist 180 degree head turn, exposed teeth and one helluva hiss. It just wanted to leap around in the grass and ignore us, and torture my clearly simple Jack. Hehe. Simple Jack. Just like Ben Stiller in 'Tropic Thunder'. NEVER GO FULL RETARD!

Hello Christmas? Can I have some of my dough back?

We did a podcast just before christmas to wish.. err.. someone.. happy holidays and crap. There's still new years to come though, so consider it done. :)

Fiscal Facists

Hi Everybody! All five of you! Ha-haa!
We did a second one can you believe it? Theres a tab on here saying 'monetize' but seriously - this stuff's priceless, so just buy me a Coke. Onwards!

A little bit of Friday

In-FORRR-MER! Ah-nosobihnwnxnome;hfoaanaLeeeyyahhnn-a licky boom boom dooownn!

Yeh this morning there was a guy standing on the street on my way to the station.
He had a pipe which was cool, but he had this gut which defied all reason. It hung from his belt buckle to about mid-way down the thigh right.. Now you'd probably say ok its a gut, just leave it. No. You don't understand. He has this safety-yellow coloured shirt on. It was like the Sun. You know how hard it is to walk nonchalantly passed that? My god.

Bogue Speak in a Corporate Coaaaaaat...

Sam here, nice to have you read my times.

Now, I work in an office and hilarious things happen if you care to take notice of the screaming demon next to the codfish of monotony. But I'm not delusional - it's nothing new. Ricky Gervais has spawned a whole TV sitcom franchise looking into the hideous inner workings of the office workplace and the quirks of all those allowed to exist within it.

However, every now and then, someone truly special comes along in the office space. Chuck that many people together who would rather swallow rusty razor blades than associate in any other circumstance - and occasionally you'll observe spectacular things.

I call her Tiffani. If you listened to the podcast in the below post - you'll be well acquainted with her.

Everyone's worked with this woman. A version of the thinks-is-wise-of-Dalai-Lama proportions bogue. She got peroxide hair on top. Black hair below. Think Christina Aguilera in Dirrrrrty - if she was forced wear a Cue skirt rather than leather chaps. Her nails are long and fake. She clickety-clacks when she walks. Where does the noise come from? The too tall heels from Che Tarjay? The nails clashing together from the wringing hands? Either/or - as Tiff would say. The accent is straight outta the first season of Underbelly...Roberta Williams if she said "wanker" instead of "fucking cocksucker" - it is a professional environment after all.

She is in her 30s. She is single. She has 2 cats of the purebred variety. She talks about everything crass your mother taught you to never discuss in polite company - money, weight, A Current Affair. Throw in some thinly veiled racism and things "me mum" says - and your in Tiffani Town my friend.

Here's a quote to brighten your day:

Drone who fears Tiff: "Hey Tiffani, we're going down to lunch...do you want anything?"
Tiffani: "No darl, thanks a bunch, but I wait until after 2pm - everything's half price after that. Have you noticed? It's fabulous!"

Once she walked past my office (I don't know why I have one...it's small but it has a door - however not even that keeps her out) and said: "You. I don't know your name. I just call everyone 'darl' or 'sweetie-pie' anyways! Ha!"

She then walked away. Without learning my name.

Once my co-worker was being desperately polite, trying to get out of the conversational rape Tiffani was perpetrating against her. I heard my co-worker say in a strangled voice "ohhhh....hahaha! Sam has cats. Yeh...Sam has..um..TWO CATS! YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER!"

Cut to Tiff clickety clacketing her way into my office and beginning to talk to me - just as I was picking up the phone to make an urgent call. You know...as part of my job.

She spoke to me for 7.5 minutes straight about her cats. And things they do. None of these stories were remotely interesting. I know I tell cat stories - but mine are actually slightly to very amusing. I mean c'mon. My boyfriend's cat pisses on things indoors, just to see how long it takes until we chase him. My cat warbles like a dying elephant seal for me to clean up his poop after every movement and....oh. I just realised my own point. These stories ARE amusing...maybe to close friends, family and people we live with. Not to some poor person who happens to work a corridor away from you, fearing the clickety...oh how often it comes. It haunts my dreams.