Bogue Speak in a Corporate Coaaaaaat...

Sam here, nice to have you read my times.

Now, I work in an office and hilarious things happen if you care to take notice of the screaming demon next to the codfish of monotony. But I'm not delusional - it's nothing new. Ricky Gervais has spawned a whole TV sitcom franchise looking into the hideous inner workings of the office workplace and the quirks of all those allowed to exist within it.

However, every now and then, someone truly special comes along in the office space. Chuck that many people together who would rather swallow rusty razor blades than associate in any other circumstance - and occasionally you'll observe spectacular things.

I call her Tiffani. If you listened to the podcast in the below post - you'll be well acquainted with her.

Everyone's worked with this woman. A version of the thinks-is-wise-of-Dalai-Lama proportions bogue. She got peroxide hair on top. Black hair below. Think Christina Aguilera in Dirrrrrty - if she was forced wear a Cue skirt rather than leather chaps. Her nails are long and fake. She clickety-clacks when she walks. Where does the noise come from? The too tall heels from Che Tarjay? The nails clashing together from the wringing hands? Either/or - as Tiff would say. The accent is straight outta the first season of Underbelly...Roberta Williams if she said "wanker" instead of "fucking cocksucker" - it is a professional environment after all.

She is in her 30s. She is single. She has 2 cats of the purebred variety. She talks about everything crass your mother taught you to never discuss in polite company - money, weight, A Current Affair. Throw in some thinly veiled racism and things "me mum" says - and your in Tiffani Town my friend.

Here's a quote to brighten your day:

Drone who fears Tiff: "Hey Tiffani, we're going down to lunch...do you want anything?"
Tiffani: "No darl, thanks a bunch, but I wait until after 2pm - everything's half price after that. Have you noticed? It's fabulous!"

Once she walked past my office (I don't know why I have one...it's small but it has a door - however not even that keeps her out) and said: "You. I don't know your name. I just call everyone 'darl' or 'sweetie-pie' anyways! Ha!"

She then walked away. Without learning my name.

Once my co-worker was being desperately polite, trying to get out of the conversational rape Tiffani was perpetrating against her. I heard my co-worker say in a strangled voice "ohhhh....hahaha! Sam has cats. Yeh...Sam has..um..TWO CATS! YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER!"

Cut to Tiff clickety clacketing her way into my office and beginning to talk to me - just as I was picking up the phone to make an urgent call. You know...as part of my job.

She spoke to me for 7.5 minutes straight about her cats. And things they do. None of these stories were remotely interesting. I know I tell cat stories - but mine are actually slightly to very amusing. I mean c'mon. My boyfriend's cat pisses on things indoors, just to see how long it takes until we chase him. My cat warbles like a dying elephant seal for me to clean up his poop after every movement and....oh. I just realised my own point. These stories ARE amusing...maybe to close friends, family and people we live with. Not to some poor person who happens to work a corridor away from you, fearing the clickety...oh how often it comes. It haunts my dreams.